Jakuu of the Hitsuatsu Clan(Finished)

[claymaster]

Name: Hitsuatsu, Jakuu
Village: Konoha
Age: 14
Gender: Male
Rank: Genin
Blood Type: AB
Chakra Affinity: Earth

Family: Hitsuatsu
-Father:Unkown
-Mother:Unknown
-Siblings: Hitsuatsu Ryuurei
-Other:

Appearance:

He has wavy brown shining hair. He isn't very tall and is skinny
as a rail. He has huge brown eyes and small ears. His nose is
normal and mouth is small. He wears confortable clothes, and he
carries the Hitsuatsu trait of beauty and grace.

Personality: He is very quiet. He usually just tends to painting
and sculpting. He is thought to be smart for as he passes tests
with flying colors and figures out things others can't. He is very
kind,considerate, and is very good at healing. He loves to sculpt clay. He always has and always will. He wants to be the first clay Jounin in his clan.

Likes: Making medicines,poisons, and antidotes. Sculpting and Painting
Dislikes: Sticky things and dry things

History: Jakuu grew up very close to his brother. He always loved to sit and watch Ryuurei paint until he went to sleep. He, on the other hand, took to clay sculpting. He loved to get messy and having fun. He still likes painting, but thinks clay is where his heart is.

[strangevisitor]

Aaaalrighty. Well, my clan, so I guess I'll take the first swing at this.

I was going to comment first on the 'unknown' family part, but then I went and looked, realizing I never gave names for Ryuurei's parents XD So that's my bad.

Secondly, while making a Chuunin right off the bat isn't necessarily a bad thing, we do tend to encourage new members to stick towards the Academy Student and Genin levels. Creating higher-ranked ninjas is something of a..membership perk, if you will. Once you've created a Genin or two and have been around awhile to prove you can handle the responsibility, you're free to start creating Chuunins and maybe a Jounin a while after that.

This is nothing against you personally, don't worry, this is just the way we handle things around here. We like to promote fair and fun play for everyone, so we have to be a little careful giving people access to power. As just about anyone who's RP'd before can tell you, nobody likes dealing with a powerhunger godmodder, so that's what we screen for with these rules.

Next up, I noticed a minor little flub up with the Chakra Affinity. Mainly that 'Artistry' isn't a valid response to that particular line. (Thanks for using the template we provide, by the way, it makes things so much neater and easier to read. ). That particular category is for the character's Elemental Chakra Affinity, either Earth, Fire, Water, Lightning, or Wind. You're free to choose any of the five, though it helps if you consider the kind of character you want to play, and pick an element that best suits the character.

As a more personal suggestion, I'd recommend an Earth affinity, as that seems like the best match for someone fond of sculpting clay.

Next up, the physical appearance section. I noticed you included a pic, which is allowed, but must be original art or art you have permission to use here. (Artists can be incredibly picky about their stuff being used without permission, after all). My main concern is that while the description is very nice, and the picture is as well..they don't match very well. At all. The character in the image has spikey-ish black hair and black eyes, while Jakuu is described has having wavy brown hair and brown eyes.

Frankly, the image isn't necessary. The description you provided is plenty on its own to give people a good idea as to what Jakuu looks like. My best suggestion would be just to edit out the image link to avoid confusion (and any possible angry artists coming after you XD).

Aaaand to wrap this things up, just a couple minor points to consider. And one bigger one I just noticed.

1: Japanese names go in reverse order from English orientation. Nothing majorly important, but you have 'Ryuurei Hitsuatsu' instead of 'Hitsuatsu Ryuurei', which is the 'proper' format.
2: I greatly appreciate you asking permission first to make the character related to mine. We've had people jump the gun in the past, submitting full bios with relations and everything and no permission asked. Which, by the way, I do not mind at all, for the record.
3: The correct term you're looking for in the 'Likes' section is 'antidotes' instead of 'anti-poisons'
4: This is the big stuff I mentioned above: First off, Not every character needs to be a 'genius' to be cool. While it's fine for the character to be smart, or particularly knowledgeable in a certain field, 'Genius' characters are actually a little harder to play, because it just adds another level of unbelievability to them. The best characters, I've always found, are the ones that are just a touch away from being real. No character has to be perfect, and 'weaknesses' make for deeper characters that are more fun to play as and with.

Secondly, I noticed you mentioned painting in the bio as well. This is, by no means, a necessary skill for him to possess. Painting is not the staple of the Hitsuatsu clan, it's just Ryuurei's specialty. Now, if Jakuu were fond of painting on the side, perhaps as a way of connecting and bonding with his brother, that'd be a fine point of interest for the character, but by no means is it required. Which brings up another point, in that you'd implied you'd like to make a character oriented around the sculpting of clay. To really flesh out Jakuu, I'd suggest thinking a little more on why he chose this as his specialty. What is it he likes about sculpting? What drew him to it? Is there something in particular he enjoys sculpting in his free time? These are all questions you should consider addressing in his bio.

And the last little point, I promise I'm done after this! The Hitsuatsu Clan is based in Konoha. They have Clan grounds in the village and everything, so there's no need for Jakuu to go TO Konoha, because he's already there.

Phew. That turned out to be a lot wordier than I thought it would be. If you have any questions, feel free to post them here, or send me or any of the other staff members a PM. We're here to help make things enjoyable for everyone, after all .

[Tensei Kaori]

I would also like to ask you to please not doublepost in the future. We saw your bio not long after you first submitted it; repeatedly posting on the same thread trying to get a response will only antagonize the staff. That said, once you have addressed the things Strangevisitor pointed out, we would appreciate a reply to let us know, but one post is sufficient.

Remember, we're human beings too, not supermen. Sometimes it takes us a little longer than you might like to get back to you due to real life circumstances - I myself have waited weeks for approval in some cases - but around here, a little bit of patience goes a long way. Please keep that in mind as we work together in the character creation process.

Thanks, and happy writing!

[claymaster]

Sorry about the double post. It's just that I had put (WIP) but then I got finished and changed it. I didn't know if you guys would've noticed if I hadn't said something. Anyways, thanks for the tips strange. Very thorough. Well, i'm finished.

[strangevisitor]

Mornin' Clay!

Yeah, I figured it was something like that (the WIP thing), it happens, so don't worry. Though in the future, if you decide you like it here and want to make more characters, try using something like Microsoft Word or Open Office, copy the template into that, and work on it from there. That way, you don't have to post anything that isn't ready for the next step, which is us looking over it.

Just a tip, though. I've been known to stay logged in here so long to finish a bio I've actually had to sign back in a few times to get it to post, lol.

SO! Down to business, then. I see you addressed just about everything we've asked you to, thanks for being so cooperative by the way, we've had to deal with some really selfish, uncooperative people in the past, so it's always nice to have someone who's willing to make changes.

I don't personally see anything else that needs tweaking (you may want to remove the 'other info of note' category though, if you're going to leave it blank, just for cleanliness if nothing else.), so I'm going to go ahead and give this one of the Approved's this needs. All you need is one more Staff and the Admin's approval, and you're good to go! I'd suggest using the downtime to read the active IF threads and the archives, get a good feel for how things run around here!

[claymaster]

Thanks, Strange! You're so helpful and encouraging!

[strangevisitor]

One tries one's best. Just to let you know, though, it might be a couple days before you hear back from the Admin and the other semi-active staff. One is enjoying their last couple of days before going back for another semester of college, and the other is in the process of moving into college. So don't get disheartened if this takes a few days yet

[claymaster]

Thanks for the advice.

[Tensei Kaori]

Alright then! Sorry it's taken me so long; as Strange told you, I've been moving over the past few days and had a lot to do. But I'm here now, and as promised, I've read through your updated biography.

Everything seems to be in order to me, especially since Strange - whose character your character is related to - approves. However, the rules in the biography template ask for at least two paragraphs of history for Genin characters. This is not meant to be an inconvenience; this is just to make sure people have thought out their characters before attempting to play them. Perhaps you could add a little about Jakuu's performance in the Academy, any significant relationships with his peers - friends, crushes, bullies, etc - or his goals in life.

Let me know when you're ready for me to have another look. And great job so far! You're doing a fantastic job following our advice, and I'm sure you'll enjoy the IF!